The Theme to "Monkey Business".
The boys sing "Sweet Adeline" stowed away in the cargo hold.
Amidst the "walla-walla" people up on deck, the stowaway boys emerge for a not-quite Tin Pan Alley version of the above.
Partier: "Sir, you have the advantage of me!" Groucho: "Not yet I haven't, but wait'll I get you outside!"
After correcting the babes about his supposed resemblance to Gary Cooper, Groucho makes a dry introduction to the evening's buffet entertainment.
Chico: "You call this a barn? This looks like a stable." Groucho: "Well, if you look at it, it's a barn. If you smell it, it's a stable." Chico: "Well, let's just look at it."
Groucho remarks on girls in haylofts & the latest fashion in slang as a gangster bellows from a stable.
Captain: "One of them goes around with a black moustache." Groucho: "So do I - if I had my choice, I'd go around with a little blonde."
Alchie Briggs (Harry Woods): "Say, I can help you bozos!" Groucho: "MISTER Bozo to you!" Gangster: "Alright, MISTER Bozo."
Lucille Briggs (Thelma Todd): "Well then, what do you think....!" Groucho: "I know, I know - you're a woman who's been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night."
Groucho: "You're just wasting your breath, and that's no great loss, either."
Groucho: "Captain's bridge? I'm sorry, he always keeps it in a glass of water while he's eating."
Groucho: "I'm the Captain - you wanna choose up sides?!?"
Groucho whines some hair-raising catcalls & makes with "the midsummer madness" since "his regiment leaves at dawn".
The complete "Maurice Chevalier" skit, where they stowaway bros, having gotten Chevalier's passport, each do singing impressions of him in order to get off of the boat.
Streaming RealAudio version.
Part One of the above - Zeppo bumps into Chevalier, takes his passport & the boys plan their way off the boat.
Part Two - Zeppo does his Chevalier impression.
Part Three - Chico & Groucho each take a crack at it.
Fourth and final part - Harpo does a Chevalier impression.
(From the above) - Immigration Man - "CHEVALIER, eh?"
Groucho: "Have a cigar, babe!"
Groucho makes for a hiding place in Lucille's closet & engages in classic comedy dialogue.
Groucho gives a hilarious history lesson on Colombus to Chico.
Groucho performs the definitive salesman spoof as he sells Joe Helton (Rockcliffe Fellowes) on employing him as his bodyguard while continuing in his capacity as his assassin.
Groucho shows his horse sense as a doctor.
Lucille: "You don't realize it, but from the time he got the marriage license, I've had a dog's life." Groucho: "Are you sure he didn't get a dog's license?"
Briggs: "Get this - I'm Alchie Briggs!" Groucho: "And I? I'm the fellow who talks so much. Fancy meeting you here after all these drinks!"
Boat Passenger: "I got you, didn't I? Well, you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to steal from me!" Groucho: "He did get up early this morning, but you weren't here - could he see you some time tomorrow?"
Chico & Groucho perform higher math calculations to figure their unfed days.
Groucho performs higher math calculations to figure out cab fare.
Groucho emcees a barn boxing match between the good & the bad guys (Part One)
Groucho emcees a boxing match (Part Two)
Groucho emcees a boxing match (Part Three)
Groucho: "Oh, why can't we break away from all of this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills -- I mean, flee to my lodge in the hills?"
The above, which continues - Lucille: "Oh, no, I couldn't think of it!" Groucho: "Don't be afraid - you can join this lodge for a few pennies. And you won't even have to take a physical examination - unless you insist on one."
Groucho (to Chico): "Would you mind getting up off of that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?"
Alchie: "Now, when Helton comes out of his room, plug him!" Groucho: "Yeah? And what do we plug him with?" Alchie: "Didn't I give you two gats?" Groucho: "Well, we had to drown the gats - but we saved you a little black gitten."
Groucho: "Mrs. Briggs, I've known and respected your husband Alchie for many years - and what's good enough for him is good enough for me!"
Chico: "Hey, you're a nice lookin'a girl, alright. You got 'it'!" Manicurist: "Thank you." Chico: "And you can keep 'it'!"
Lucille gives a "ha-cha-cha" to the tune of Groucho's guitar.
Lucille & Groucho go for another "ha-cha-cha".
Lucille: "Don't try to hide! I know you're in that closet!" Groucho: "Did you see me go in the closet?" Lucille: "No." Groucho: "Am I in the closet now?" Lucille: "Well, no." Groucho: "Then how do you know I was in the closet? Your Honor, I rest my case."
Groucho: "Well, now, just hop up there, little Johnny, and I'll show you a few things that you don't know about history."
A blast from Harpo's horn.
Alchie: "Come out of there! I wanna talk to you!" Groucho: "I'm sorry, but we're using the old-fashioned Ice Man, and we find him very satisifactory for keeping the house warm."
Groucho: "Come here, babe, I like you!" Lucille: "Oh, I shouldn't! What about my husband?" Groucho: "That's alright, maybe we can get a girl for him!"
(From the above) - Groucho: "Come here, babe, I like you!"
Groucho: "There's my argument - restrict immigration!"
Alchie: "I'm wise! I'm wise!" Groucho: "You're wise, eh? Well, what's the capital of Nebraska? What's the capital of the Chase National Bank? Give up?" Alchie: "You..." Groucho: "Now I'll try you on an easy one - how many Frenchman can't be wrong?" Alchie: "I know..." Groucho: "You were warm, and so was she, but don't be discouraged! With a little study, you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now!"
Deva: "I don't like this innuendo!" Groucho: "That's what I always say - Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo."
The Captain first learns of the stowaway brothers from the first mate.
Thug: "Hey, have you guys got an invitation?" Chico: "We give the invitation of Chevalier!" Chico & Harpo: "When the nightingale can sing like you..." Thug: "That's it, cut it out!"
Lucille: "I didn't know you were a lawyer. You're awfully shy for a lawyer." Chico: "You bet I'm shy! I'm a shyster lawyer!"
Gangster: "Keep out of this loft!" Chico: "Well, it's better to have loft and lost then never to have loft at all!" Groucho: "Nice work!"
Steward: "And would you like to have anything before lunch?" Chico: "Yes, breakfast!"
Groucho: "Madam, you're making history! In fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself!"
Groucho & Chico storm the Captain's quarters.
Groucho: "I don't know - when I woke up, there was the Nurse taking care of me." Chico: "What's the matter, couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" Groucho: "You bet she could, but I found it out too late."
Groucho interrupts a cladestine rendezvous.
The Lucille interrogates the closet crasher Groucho.
Alchie: "Is there anything you've got to say before I drill ya?" Groucho: "Yes, I'd like to ask you one question." Alchie: "Go ahead." Groucho: "Do you think that girls think less of a boy if he lets himself be kissed? I mean, don't you think that although girls go out with boys like me, they always marry the other kind?"
Passenger: "What's the idea of puttin' your hand in my pocket?" Chico: "Just a little mistake. I had a suit once that looked just like that, and for a minute, I thought those were my pants."
Passenger: "I'm not the patient!" Chico: "Well - we're not the doctor, come on!"
Chico negotiates pay with Helton as a function of tough for himself & Harpo.
Helton organizes a posse from his gala party to go and save his daughter from Alchie Briggs.
Interloper Groucho handles Alchie with kid gloves as Mrs. Briggs hides in the closet.
Deva: "Oh, you impudent cad! I'll report you to your paper!" Groucho: "I'll thank you to let me do the reporting! Is true you're getting a divorce as soon as your husband recovers his eyesight? Is it true you wash your hair in clam broth? Is it true you used to dance in a flea circus?"
Groucho: "Now then, my friends, what am I offered for this fine French piece of brickabrak?"
Chico: "Hey, maybe there's somebody in that room!" Groucho: "There's someboy in that closet there," (pushes Captain inside) "and I think it's you, Captain!"
Groucho: "Alright, then it's all settled. I'm to be your new bodyguard. In case I'm gonna attack you, I'll have to be there to defend you, too. Now let me know when you wanna be attacked, and I'll be there ten minutes later to defend you."
Ersatz Lawyer Groucho makes divorce arrangements for Alchie's wife Lucille so he can have her for himself.
Immigration Man: "Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Groucho: "Well, I'm just trying to sneak off the boat, that's all!"
Groucho: "I'm spying on you!"
Alchie: "What are doin' out here? I thought I told you to spy on Helton!" Groucho: "I did spy on him." Alchie: "What was he doing?" Groucho: "He was spyin' on me!" Alchie: "Did he see ya?" Groucho: "Nah, I was too foxy for him. All he could do was spy on me."
Chico: "You better keep quiet! We're a couple of big stockholders in this company!" Captain: "Stockholders, huh? Well, you look like a couple of stowaways to me!" Groucho: "Well, don't forget, my fine fellow, that the stockholder of yesteryear is the stowaway of today!"
Stowaway Groucho first meets the Captain in this classic comedy bit.
Groucho: "With a little study, you'll go a long ways, and I wish you'd start now."
Groucho tangos with the Lucille at Helton's party.
Lucille: "You can't stay in that closet!" Groucho: "Oh I can't, can I? That's what they said to Thomas Edison, mighty inventor, Thomas Lindbergh, mighty flier, and Tomashevsky, "Mighty Like a Rose"! Just remember, my little cabbage, that if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks, and if there weren't any hooks, there wouldn't be any fish, and that would suit me fine!"
The stowaway bros catch up on each other as they first emerge from their pickle barrels.
Groucho referees an argument between Mister and Misses Briggs.
Groucho: "Don't you know what 'vessel' is?" Chico: "Sure, I can vessel!" (whistles) Groucho: "Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"
(From the above) - Groucho: "Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?"
Lucille: "No, no, no, don't! My husband might be inside, and if he finds me out here, he'll wallop me!" Groucho: "Always thinking of your husband. Couldn't I wallop you just as well?"
Groucho: "I don't know. When I woke up, there was the nurse taking care of me."
Groucho: "Zowie! Zowie! ZOWIE!"